Mud, blood and cheesesteaks

Their are two types of football jerseys worn by football fans. Those playing football and those worn stuffing your face as you watch the game at home/bar/live. Those worn on the field are easily stained with mud or blood. Unless you are playing in the local "Ohmygodnottheface League" Those stains are badges of honor and machismo.

Then there are the average, SUV driving, fat slob who wears their replica jerseys. I represent us, the every man.

The closest these jerseys get to being actually used in an athletic way is when you ball it up and throw it in the laundry doing your best QB impersonation. Usually getting a sore muscle for the next few days, while requiring you to walk across the room to pick it up and put it in the hamper you missed.

These jerseys are mostly stained with spilled beer and ketchup. Real beer that is, not the lowest common denominator beer that is so prevalent in the U.S.'s collective liver. That is another rant I will spew about another time I'm sure.

Illegal stains should result in loss of that jersey and the privilege to any paraphernalia representing your team for the remainder of that season. If the offense occurs during Super Bowl weekend the penalty is enforced the following season.

Partial list of stains resulting in penalty:
Nail polish
Hemorrhoid Ointment
Sweat from any Jane Fonda or Richard Simmons workout
Lip gloss
Spray deodorant
Vegetable juice (double penalty if wheat grass is involved)
Anything requiring an underage goat

Allowable stains:
Regionally appropriate food items, i.e. Cheese steak Philly fans, Brats for Wisconsin fans, Lip Gloss for Cowboy fans (this is the only exception to the Lip Gloss rule).

Hopefully this enlightens and brings dignity to the gluttony that is tailgating and at home viewing.

~The Dad