Paging Dr. Asshat (Don't read this if puking bothers you)

Summary of prior events:

I briefly mentioned being sick in last night's post. Normally I don't mention that shit online on forums or IRC. Being sick is not an excuse to attention whore. Suck it up buttercup. Save that shit for your own blog...

I've been sick for a month and a half. Cold leading to Pneumonia. Fixed that but the cough stayed. They couldn't figure it out so they said it was just inflamed lungs/throat reacting to coughing by coughing more>Bad cough they can't figure it out so they said it was a Chronic Sinus Infection. Tons of hardcore drugs (narcotic cough suppressants, anti-biotics, inhalers, etc). I have had to go to Immediate Care each time since to see my regular Dr. it takes a month to get an appointment time.

The cough was not improving but was not getting worse. At this point I leave for my trip out east. Two weeks of visiting all over. I covered the destinations in last night's post. The only problem was my cough meds that they said would last long enough didn't. My cough started getting worse. After a pain in the ass morning trying to get a refill at my in-laws place I realize it's too late. I'm fucked.

When in NJ coughed so hard I tossed chunks once. I went outside, decorated the grass on the side of the house no one uses/sees then drive to take the family out to eat at a burger joint they love. I wasn't feeling too bad, just the cough. Hey! I'm not fat, I'm just a bulimic failure!

In the past 4 days I have coughed so hard I have blown chunks at least once a day. I instituted a rule I wouldn't eat any meal without something sweet to finish off. Helped the taste on the way back out. I gave you warning in the title about this topic. I have kept down one meal in the past two days.

Immediate Care will be closed by the time we get back home so the wife suggested last night I go to the ER. They take up the slack when Immediate Care is closed. I hated it but her logic was sound so I agreed. First stop in town is leaving me at the ER and the Mrs and MNA go home to unpack, unwind some, let the dogs out.

The Emergency Room:

I grab my meds, ipod and headphones and toss them in my backpack. I head on in. I walk up and someone is ahead of me at intake. I chill out and wait my turn. Another intake clerk shows up and takes my info. I sit and wait for the triage nurse to see me next. She takes my info and I have a seat.

In just a few minutes they whisk me off to a room in the ER. I try to lay down on the gurney but the change of horizon causes another coughing spasm. Knowing I was most likely going to lose lunch today I grabbed a McD's milkshake on the drive. It seems a milkshake bought in Illinois has the power to escape gravity in Wisconsin.

It is not my fault they cover up the toilet in the room with Transformer type lid and sides. It looked like an ugly seat, I didn't know it lifted up into a short shitter. It IS my fault for not grabbing the garbage can. So the sink with the little drain the Doc washes his hands with when he leaves/enters the room. I clog it.

At this point I clean up a bit. Open the sliding door and move the curtain a little. Stick my head out and call out,"Clean up on Aisle 5". It seems trained ER staff with proper experience respond with a look of disgust then disappear. They know they don't want to be stuck on clean up. The new guy who made eye contact mumbles about contacting house keeping and slinks off.

One of the cute college girls who works the intake office comes into the room to double check the paperwork info. This is the SOP there. She walks in, her pretty little nose crinkles in disgust. She looks around but can't see the source of the smell since it is neatly sitting over in the sink behind where she is leaning. I just attempt a feeble smile, give the info and she splits.

At this point I get a txt message on my cell. I check it. One of my buddies I hung out with for a day back in NJ sent me a text that reads: hey there bud! had a great time last week. so glad to see ya!

Knapp, when you read this I just want to let you know I did have a good time last week kicking your ass in Risk (my blog, I can lie and say I won bitch) but your timing is still as wonderful as ever. At least you didn't knock up my nurse.

Speaking of my nurse. She arrives. Nice lady, personable and shows she is adept at her job. She walks in, sees the mess, rolls up her sleeves, grabs the rubber gloves and picks it up. AS she is in there the wimp who mumbled about housekeeping shows up and says to her,"I was going to have housekeeping do it". She glared at him and said,"Then it would never get done". She cleans it up and sprays the room with some floral stank to mask the smell.

At this time she reaches into a cabinet and hands me this cardboard Don Quixote hat. It was shaped exactly like an old shaving bowl but was made out of the funky grey cardboard you get when you need to carry multiple drinks out of a fast food joint. I get the glare as she exits the room.

After more waiting Dr. Asshat strolls into the room. He has the personality of an ass barnacle. He asked me some questions and left. Take note of two that I will go over again later.

Q) Are you using the inhalers you were prescribed?
A) No, they give me instant coughing spasms the can easily end up with me puking.

Q) Are the meds you are currently prescribed making any difference?
A) They make it so I can barely get a little sleep. Besides that they are worthless.

He marks up his clipboard and saunters away.

Back to waiting.

The RN come back in and hands me this contraption called a Peak Flow Meter. I take a deep breath, exhale hard into it and it registers my lung capacity. Then she puts me on a nebulizer to breathe in the same shit they gave me on an inhaler. She sticks me to draw blood. Once I am done playing Puff the Magic Dragon she totters off to let the meds sink in my alveoli (lung sacs, pay attention in 7th grade next time).

After a while in comes in the next nurse. He looks like the kid brother to Hardy of Laurel and Hardy fame. He is there to do the EKG. For some silly reason when an old fat bastard shows up with problems breathing they think it could be a heart issue. How dare they be thorough.

As he is putting the leads on me I notice he has 4 digits written in ink on his hand. I jokingly ask if that is so he can remember his phone number. It was to remember his PIN number when he signs on to shift. He is not exactly inspiring confidence here.

Back to waiting. As usually I sit still and zone. The less I move/talk the less I cough. In comes the X-ray lady. She looks at me and asks if I want to be taken away on the gurney or using the wheelchair. I vote wheelchair.


We arrive and I get my ass out of the wheelchair. Warning, fat men not trained to remove themselves from a wheelchair when sick are funny to watch. At least I'm sure if I saw my ass trying to stand

Stand, turn, hold still, deep breath, whiiiirrrrrrrr snickooly click. OK, done.

*insert coughing fit here*

As I cough she runs off to join the rest of the gnomes to finish the Keebler cookies and check on my x-rays. She missed part of the lung in one pic so we redo that shot. Rinse/repeat.


As I'm being pushed down the hallway on the western rickshaw I had the urge to throw my arms out like DiCaprio on a ship and then call out,"Chris2c2 this IS fun!" No, really. I thought that. Die Chris.

Back to my room smelling of puke and mountain flowers. The RN lady pops her head back in and tells me the Dr. is just waiting on all the film/lab results so he can talk to me. I grab my ipod out of the backpack and zone to some podcasts.

Dr. Asshat returns. He says he contacted my regular physician (the guy I have to wait a month to get an appointment with) and he will see me Wednesday at noon thirty. He says nothing is wrong that he can find (Deja Vu much) and he understands this must be frustrating for me so he will shoot me some other meds. One is another inhaler but with an adaptor to make it more effective. Then he talks about this great anti-cough stuff he will give me and splits.

Yes, he just took the info, called my regular Dr, threw some temp meds at me and told me to see a Dr. who gives a fuck. At least that is how I saw it. Whatever, at least I got new meds. If they stop the coughing then the rest will fix itself.

I call the wife pissed off over this crap and ask her to please head out to come pick me up. She's on the way with MNA as security.

After a few hours in at the ER the RN comes in, hands me two scripts, explains how to take them and goes on with her shift. She tells me I can take the new meds with the old ones. .

I call a buddy and vent as I wait for the Mrs. She arrives and we head out to the closest pharmacy.

DAMNIT, remodeling.

Have to go to the other one across town. Wife drops me and the MNA off and heads to the other one. I get the MNA ready for bed, hang out for a bit so she chills and then tuck her in. I hop online to work on e-mail backlog.

The Mrs shows up and has a weird look on her face...

She asks if I got new meds. I replied in the affirmative. She hands me the bag.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Dr. Asshat not only passed me off like a hot potato as fast as he could he gave me the same exact prescriptions. The inhaler didn't even have the extra tube he said it would have to help it work more effectively.

Now lets go back and look at the two Q&A mentioned earlier.

Q) Are you using the inhalers you were prescribed?
A) No, they give me instant coughing spasms the can easily end up with me puking.

Q) Are the meds you are currently prescribed making any difference?
A) They make it so I can barely get a little sleep. Besides that they are worthless.

He gave me the same ineffective bullshit and told me to see my own Dr. in 4 days. This asshole thinks I'm going to cough so hard my ribs and abs hurt and puke up my meals for 4 mother fucking days because he can't be bothered to actually do his job. Thanks for wasting my time.

This one isn't over by a long shot. I'll track down who to contact to lodge a complaint against this asshole. I'm going to ride this one hard.


The wife pointed out I should go to Immediate Care when they open up first thing in the morning, tell them the story, show the same meds and ask the guy for some strong anti-cough med I haven't had to hold me until my Wednesday Dr appointment. Once I cooled off I agreed.

Then I started thinking, what if they think I'm just showing up to score drugs? What if they think I'm some cook hypochondriac wasting their time. What if I'm petulant and pissy and want to be a jerk?

My first thought was to order Chinese for dinner and if it came back up bring the bag of it in to the Dr office in the morning to back my story up. I quickly shot that down. That is nasty even for me.

Then I thought I could grab breakfast before I hit Immediate Care...

~The Dad